Diva Taunia's Backstage Pass Official Blog

I'VE BEEN OUTED

Ok, I may as well come clean.  I've been avoiding this for a long time - hoping it would just go away. Alas, with my propensity for making almost every detail of my life public, I can't believe I expected to somehow make it through this without being found out.  Sigh.

Remember how I was taking a big trip last summer to somewhere very secret?  Well:

            

Believe me, I'm just as digusted as you are.  Here's the scoop on what went down:

I was contacted about potentially being on a show, but the show had an altogether different name when they spoke with me.  The show also had an altogether different concept than what this show is about.  It was about getting your dream wedding, and yes, plastic surgery if you wanted BUT, the focus on my "inspirational story" was really pushed harder than the wedding and way more stressed than any mention of plastic surgery.  They made a VERY BIG DEAL about how inspirational my story was, and I was led to believe that the weight loss itself, the journey I had been through with the hospital and everything else was a story that would be interesting.  Wrong.

Now before you judge me, hear me out.  I lost my job well over a year ago, and since then Rob and I have been struggling to make ends meet.  When I tell you we barely get everything paid each month, I'm not kidding.  I'm lucky enough to have someone who loves me enough to support all the volunteer work I do each week because he knows how passionate I am about it,  and were lucky enough to still have a roof over our heads.  So when I was contacted about the show initially, I thought two things:

1.  This is probably the only way Rob and I would be able to afford a wedding.   We don't want anything glitzy (they didn't like it when I said that), but being able to celebrate with the friends and family we love is SUPER important to us.  We thought this may be a way to make it happen. (And no, we're no different gazillions of other people in this country right now.)

2.  I have been denied coverage for reconstructive coverage of any sort.  I have at least 15-20 of extra skin hanging from my body.  I wake up in pain DAILY.  I'm in pain DAILY.  The thought of having that done and covered?  SIGN ME UP.  I honestly cannot even remember the last day I had where I did NOT have back and neck pain - it's just part of my every day routine now.  The thought of that ending was overwhelming, and I saw an opportunity and wanted to try.

The production assistant screwed up before we left, sending an email out to all the girls slated to be on the show (without BCCing, so all email addys were revealed).  Being a Google and Facebook detective, I quickly found out my competition.  Twenty-something bikini models.  It wasn't looking good for me, but I thought that maybe my late-bloomer weight loss-bride story might be interesting enough for me to do well.

Now fast forward to me arriving in "Hollywood."  I was immediately stripped naked for the whole crew to exploit.  Yes, I knew it was coming but I had no clue how deeply and emotionally that would affect me.  Honestly?  If I had known I'd come back in the near-suicidal state I came back in, I would never have gone.  But, I went there a bit naive about my own coping abilities. (And now? I'm in hard-core therapy, yo.  At least FINALLY getting some help was a good thing to come out of this.)

When I was in with the plastic surgeon, I looked down at the desk and saw the title "Bridalplasty," on the doc's folder.  I immediately knew that this was not how they sold it to me, and I felt really embarassed that I had been so naive and so ready and excited to go.  One of the production assistants realized what I had just seen and tried to cover it up by saying they kept changing the title, but I knew what was going on, and I knew it wasn't good.

I also knew by the time I put my clothes back on, that I was not going to be on the show.  The surgeon told me that my surgery was very extensive, and recovery would take a very long time and because of my kidney issues, it could potentially be a risky surgery. They had previously told me what the production schedule and airing schedule was, and I knew as soon as he said that, I knew I would not be on the show.   The night before I flew home, they knocked on my door at almost 11pm (after I was already in bed) and told me that I had a 7:30 am flight back to NH. And honestly? I was relieved.  

So there you have it.  Yes, it's Bridalplasty.  Yes, it's horrific.  Yes, I was naive and not thinking clearly when I made that decision and things sometimes things look way better than they actually are.  In my case, I was lucky enough to be sent home and not part of it.  And I've been breathing a sigh of relief ever since.

 

www.gastricbypassbride.com

I've been pretty lax about my wedding planning and announcement, and I had no idea how insane that would drive people!  Friends and family want details, as soon as you've got em, dammit!  Fo' serious. 

And it's remarkable that I haven't been more detail-focused considering my penchant for OCD and control, but I've been majorly laid back about it.  I've got the big stuff out of the way:  dress (check!), venue (check!), cake (check!), but haven't been doing much else by way of planning.  This tends to drive people a little batshit, I've found.  lol

So, I decided that since every other detail of my life is out there for all the world to see, my wedding may be as well!  Plus, why not make it fun - where it's interactive and my friends and loved ones could help me decide on things by voting and suggesting things?  So that's exactly what I built:  an interactive happy place.  It's going to be constantly evolving with new ideas, questions, etc, and I've love for you to come along for the ride.  (Plus, honestly?  I can use all the help I can get.)

We have a guestbook and would love for you to stop by and say hello:  www.gastricbypassbride.com.  :)

Oh, and PS?  If you look around enough, you'll find out what wedding gown I'm wearing.  It takes a little detective work, but I couldn't make it obvious or something Rob might accidentally land on, or he'd have my head!  Try to envision it without the straps - it's being altered.

Muchas gracias and much love!  ♥

FROM GASTRIC BYPASS TO BLUSHING BRIDE

It's hard for me to not think of things in those terms:  gastric bypass bride.  I've always hated the notion that only thin girls can find true love - because it's completely inaccurate.  Part of me feels guilty about all the happiness that I've found post-surgery because it only perpetuates that theory, but the other part of me knows the truth:  I am happier.  Every part of my life is better...my health, my energy, my spirit, and yes, the way I look. 

I think the truth is, I wasn't happy as a fat person.  I pretended to be, but I wasn't.  The smallest things make a huge impact on my disposition now.  Being able to go out an not fear that I won't fit it seats, being able to shop in any store, being able to comfortably be able to wear a seatbelt, these things have all impacted me.  And no doubt that when my disposition began to change, that was reflected both inside and out.  And for those of you ready to say, "would Rob have loved you when you were heavy?!?"  The answer is yes.  He met me when I was almost 90 lbs heavier.

This is all leading up to something that is bittersweet for me:  my wedding.  I had told Rob that the most important thing for me wedding-wise was that it happened while my Dad was still able to walk me down the aisle, and my grandmother was able to be there.  Both things will happen, and I couldn't be happier.  The only thing that I wish is that my Grampy could be there too, to see the new me, but he will be in spirit.

My grandfather, Carl, was a striking, stoic, tall man that made a lasting impression on my family.  The one time I have ever seen my father cry was at his funeral, when was gave an incredibly moving speech about the man that had adopted him and become his father.  My Grampy meant everything to my dad, and he meant everything to me.  I was very close to him, and I'm also very close to my grandmother, Nora (who I call Auntie Nora - don't ask, long story).

At our family get-together this weekend, my Auntie Nora suggested that I look at her wedding gown.  It was one of those very giddy moments with girls in the family.  We looked at the gown (which did NOT fit me - despite my weight loss - lol), and then I asked to try on the veil.  This was one of those pull-over-your-face veils, very old-fashioned, very beautiful, with all the original beading on the headband in impeccable condition.  I put it on and realized that this veil was something special:  she had worn this when she married my grandfather.  

I asked her if I could wear it in the wedding and her response was, "I would be honored."  She was beaming with pride, and I knew right then and there that my dress doesn't matter:  this veil does.  She said to me, "You know, Taunia, you had a special bond with your grandfather.   You were very special to him, and you are very special to me."   Cue waterworks.  I was a blubbering idiot, but I don't think I've had a happier moment (other than my proposal, of course) in my life.  This veil means everything to me:  family, celebration, tradition, and love.

And now my grandfather, the Great Carl T as he would often refer to himself, is part of my wedding.  I'm wearing the same veil that was worn by my grandmother at his wedding, and that connects both of my grandparents to me in probably the most special way I could think of.   And to me, that's what I want this wedding to be about.  Not the poofy, Cinderella stuff, but the celebration of family.  My old family sending me with love into my new family.  That's love.