Diva Taunia's Backstage Pass Official Blog

SO HERE'S THE SKINNY ON MY FAT

Ok, let's get something clear right out the gate:  I am not, nor will I ever, be PREGNANT.   That would be a miracle by the sweet baby Jesus himself for two reasons:  1) I'm almost FORTY and in peri menopause, and 2) Rob cannot make any babies anymore, you dig?  So there.  NOT. PREGNANT.  But thank you so much for asking, really makes a fat girl feel good.  :)

And speaking of fat, I guess there's no more pretending:  yep, I gained weight.  A lot of it.  Back when I was sickest and at my lowest weight, all of my doctors told me they wanted me to put back 20 lbs. I did better:  I gained almost 35.  I weigh 170-ish lbs, and seeing that number on the scale KILLS ME.

The thing is, I'm not sure it's entirely my fault.  (I mean, my guess is that the chips I've been devouring on a regular basis are not helping things.)  Back in Jan/Feb, I was put on two new medications, one of which is known for rapid weight gain and bloat.    It took me almost a year and half to get to the doctor's recommended 20 lbs, and it took me less than two months to put on the rest with the help of the meds.  Yippee!  I'm fat again!

When I hit 160 lbs, I felt good.  I felt strong, and I felt voluptuous.  Now?  I just feel sluggish and fat. And I CANNOT. STOP. EATING.  I'm hungry ALL THE TIME.  And while I still have plenty of restriction, I also have almost ZERO intolerances and I can eat just about anything.

Take a gander at the regain process:

ME - CIRCA 2009, at my lowest (and sickest) weight:

ME - FEBRUARY 11, 2011 - LIKING MY WEIGHT AND MY BOD:

ME -  MAY 12th, 2011:

Granted, a lot of my weight gain is in my boobies, which Rob would argue is a good thing, but I HATE this weight.  I'm terrified.  I don't want to go back to 311 lbs, and I feel completely helpless.  I dance DAILY.  I'm exercising more than I ever have, and I'm only maintaining (barely).  I can't stop eating, and I can't stop thinking about food constantly.  It's all back, just in a smaller package.  

I thought by ignoring it and taking pictures at good angles that no one would find out.  That somehow I could magically take the weight off and no one would know.  Well, having a very public wedding with a gazillion pics online will slap the truth right on to ya.  I was called out as looking pregnant on my music page, and that there was a big dose of reality for me. So here it is: my admission, and it hurts and is hard for me, so don't make it worse...mmmmkay?

Accountability has always been my saving grace, so maybe "going public" about it will help me resolve it.  I'm working with my doctors to adjust my medications, and I've got appts with my kidney specialists in the next few weeks, so maybe we'll figure some stuff out that will help.  But you know what else will help?  If I stop eating.  Constantly.

God Bless, Rob.  He puts up with my crazy, loves me at any weight, and supports me no matter what.

I'm just thankful for the other people before me that openly spoke and wrote about re-gain, so that I know I'm not alone and there is hope for conquering it.  Thank you, you know who you are.

So here begins another very public battle with my weight....

CRANKVILLE: Top 10 Words/Phrases/Things I Hate

I am not in my normal joyous holiday mood today, most likely because I have yet to shower and take my pain medication.  I figured while I was good and Grinch-y today, I'd create a Top 10 List of Words/Phrases/Sayings/Things that I hate.   This doesn't necessarily have to do with the holidays, it's just really a way to purge them from my brain.

# 10:  A commercial I heard last night

I can't even remember what the commercial was for, but I remember EXACTLY what it said:  "The holidays are a time when adults are like children, and children are like angels. "   This saccharine overload just made me more sick to my stomach than I already was.

#9:  Every ridiculous, insulting Kay Jeweler commercial ever made

"Every kiss begins with Kays."  Yep, every kiss in the chops with my fists of fury.  Special Recognition / Horror Show from Kay:

 

# 8:  "At the end of the day..."   

If you try to make a point and punctuate it with this phrase, you may have your day ended for you.  Period. 

# 7:  All Business/Office Lingo Buzzword

Whenever I hear buzzwords, I picture our civilization being taken over by robots.  Worst offender for me?  "I wanted to reach out..."  No.  No you didn't.  You wanted to sell me something or bamboozle me in some way.  Just be honest, I'll have more respect for you.

# 6:  EPIC

My step-kids have informed me that is no longer cool to use this word.  Of course, I will continue to say this around them and their friends whenever possible as it is my job to embarass them.  But you?  Don't say it.

#5:  APPARENTLY

This  is only on here because  apparently, my step-son thinks everything is apparent.  My guess is that if he's saying it, all his friends are too, apparently.

#4:  IRREGARDLESS

You know this isn't a word, right?  

# 3:  CUDDLE

Look, I'm a nice person.  I say nice things, and I'm nice to people like 90% of the time.  But I don't want to cuddle. EVER.  And even more?  I don't want to hear about YOU cuddling.  Even typing that out made me wretch.

# 2:  SNUGGLE

I'm starting to think that I may just have violent tendencies, because again, if you say this to or around me, but you may get a knuckle sandwich.

# 1:  YOU/YOU'RE - THEIR/THERE 

I fully admit that I am guilty of this (rarely!) when I'm typing quickly, but there's always a "#%$#%  I can't believe I just made that mistake!" after I've done it.  

I'm talking about the people who honestly have no clue, even after being corrected a million times by the grammar police that patrol the internet.   Do you here me?  Are language is going to pot. Its really important that we ain't being dum, yous guys.   

Commence grammar and spelling analysis of this post.

Love, 
Diva Scrooge